Am I a loser?? I have tried to ask this question many times from my heart….and every time I haven’t got a clear answer…I m not sure, whether I have gained something in my life till now…or I have lost anything in my life as such….and there is actually no need in asking such stupid silly questions from my heart…yet you see…its always the achievement motivation I need to satisfy…J

Well I remember myself as a small kid in my class 5^th..when I joined the first best school of my life…yes..it was good…very good indeed .. I used to leave for my school at 11 am in morning and used to come back at 9.30 pm at night…staying all day to a place which was 20 kms away from my home…and I didn’t do that well in starting…but after a year and a half…I started off with a blast….the day I cannot forget in my life.. I got 95/100 in maths and the next highest in class got 60/100!!!!! And that made me believe that yes.. I can do something.. I have that potential…and there I started… I studied hard… and after a long pursuit of dedication and hard work…I was paid.. the package was quite high though :D… I was selected for RIMC in Dehradun…. I stood 9^th in merit list all over India … the first major achievement of my life… and then a new turn was awaiting for me there in the beautiful valley of doon….

The first day…of my college… I was wondering if I have reached some place which was only a dream for me a few days ago… like some “Abhishek in Wonderland” :D…but no.. the life wasn’t a peace at all there… wake up at 6.30….go for PT at the time when ur bones chill and starts resonating with some fundamental frequency when you run and the air past you touches your face… and I was the worst fellow there in my class..the person next bed to me in my hostel was the topper… and another fellow was jus too good in all the games…he was kinda master of all the games… Amrit the topper and Gargmukh the player…and me…the nothing…

Then another turning point of my life was when I played hockey for my house… whereas we were losing to our opponents 2-0 in the first half of 20 mins… the match was over with a score of 5-2 of course we won the match and I contributed 2 goals and helped the move on for another two of them.. every spectator was stunned at our performance and I received kudos from all my fellow mates there…

Then came the next semester.. and I tried my hands on in swimming…. And my team captain asked anyone who could complete 25 mtrs to join in the team..and I had never tried swimming 25 mtrs at a stretch but I thought of going for it since it would save me from PT and X country(in which I had to run 4 kms everyday)…. And of course I did well this time too..gaining everyone’s attention in my house and my class… we came 2^nd by a mere fraction of 0.5 seconds in freestyle relay and I was a member of that team( well the team dint loose becoz of me:P)

Hmm…so after “achieving” all this fame and glory I carried on..with another goal in my life…that I need to learn sport and do well… and decided upon swimming… well the reason isn’t that obvious… but I need to mention it for the continuity and some fun of course:D.. well swimming was the only team which used to go out on a competition to various school..and in my first year they had been to Mayo College Girls School in Ajmer… and I heard that captain of our team pataofied that school’s captain… so now the reason is known I hope..:D …and I worked hard..got selected for the team in 2003 in my class 11^th…and guess what was my event??? It was 1500 mtrs freestyle..the longest event… and I was a dead sinker when I joined…. So again a round of applause and a toffee packet in assembly took my spirits high enough to continue with that tiresome game for a lazy fellow like me… and then I practiced real hard…keeping at stake my SSB interview next year and I became the captain of the team… it was unbelievable….for the first timein the history..someone was captain of the team ..who was a dead sinker when he joined college… and another round of applause followed with a toffee packet in assembly…

I was out on a month’s vacation before my 12^th boards exam…well the vacation wasn’t a grabted one..it was earned..swimming competition- 1 week.. then our midterm hike to Shimla -1 week and then SSB interview to Bangalore-2 weeks..and I was all alone in all these days… and while all my friends had cleared their SSB…it was hard for me to end up their efforts… and they had practiced all the time in the semester for this interview… and I was busy with swimming and all… so really scared…I went to Bangalore... and of course like all my classmate.. I was among those 5 guys who passed their interview out of 50 persons called for it…. It was a week interview where they ask all sorts of question..check you physically and mentally..and all sorts of psychological tests r taken… so that they choose the best persons across the country to save our nation at the frontiers… to lead our men at LOC….

And then when I came bck…I was pissed off by the news that next day was our chemistry pre boards…. And guess what…after having a month’s vacation..2700 kms away from books… I wonder if I would be able to do anything in the test… but of course I did and I was the only fellow to pass in the chemistry pre board exams…

And after all but one papers were finished..and we were eagerly waiting for NDA results…and the last paper was physics one..so I wasn’t in that study mood…as it has always been a piece of cake for me … one of my friends told me that I had topped the exam…

But how can that be….Amrit was there…Gargmukh was there..far better than me in all activities… how can I come first….and I went and checked the result..again and again..to make sure..half shocked and half delighted at my success…

Finally after graduating from that college I came back…with all the newspaper with my photos and a chance to come on television….half an hour interview of NDA Topper to be aired on Etv Bihar… I thought I have achieved everything …. I made my destiny…

Then leaving NDA far behind…I started to prepare for IIT…I was too confident to clear the exam..but not so sure of getting my rank below 100 ..i thought to go on my own….I denied all coachings and tuitions… and took up the heavy tasks on myself… partially because I was confident and bigger reason being my parents couldn’t have afford their high prices.. chosing my books and studying 14 hours a day… I cleared first test …. And then got my tooth root canaled for infection… I gave the second test… however I dreamed of getting below 100 rank after the exams..but silly mistakes lowered my rank to 315… I really had achieved everything…but one…

Well that one thing should remain a mystery for you all:P.. I would surely say that this thing is most sought after by everyone…and supposed to be the best moments of one’s life..

I took up Aerospace…which I later realized that wasn’t my interest… I wanted to do good at swimming but there was always someone better than me…I wanted to do good in classes…but was to sleepy to take any notes down in my notebook… I wanted to change my branch… but then my CPI was too low again for that…I wanted to go for higher studies…but there is somethings pulling me back…and then I wanted some peace in my life… some peace of mind… bliss and contentment…. But the desire to grow … desire for fame…desire for affiliation ..they all chased me… and haunted me..and still haunting now.. may be it would wear away with time..or may be it would never heal…

May be I need time to recuperate….may be I need some other sort of defence mechanism… to treat myself… to feel alive… to get those happy moments back… to get affiliation… to get what I want most in my life….

So after so many ups and downs…I cannot say whether I have been a winner…nor can I say I am a loser…there r many who r deprived…many who r already far ahead of me… and I don’t belong to first category..so I should be happy…but I don’t belong to second either…so I feel deprived…so I cant decide what I am but I know one thing…and that’s for sure…I need to climb stairs… for the next generations…so that they don’t write this in their blog .. that they feel lost in this intriguing yet competitive world….